Fatherhood, God Help Us

Being a father is no small matter. Daily I am confronted with seeing the fruit of bad parenting. When I leave my home in the morning the students at the bus stop reflect it. As I pass by the local high schools I see it in greater numbers. Even in the church I work at I see it. Children are rebellious against authority, angry in their speech, mean to their peers, and constantly ready to fight. If not this, the opposite is true. Students are often withdrawn, separate- living in a constant state of hopelessness. Why? This is something I need to know and I need the answer soon. If there is any way that I can avoid seeing my son end up this way I will take any and every measure to do so.

The Apostle Paul makes two comments that read almost the same and taken together they seem to function as a whole. In Ephesians 6:4 he says:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

In Colossians 3:21 the phrasing is almost the same:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

A few things need to be observed from these two verses while they are beside each other. In Ephesians we see a negative and a positive. First Paul, gives us the negative- do not provoke your children to anger. That is, do not make them angry or resentful. In the Greek this is one word [parorgidzete]. Unfortunately it is only used twice in the New Testament, so a definitive meaning is alluding me. The word is made up of two smaller Greek words though and even though this is not an accurate form of exegesis I think it will draw us closer to a proper definition if we see these two words. The first is para, like parallel – meaning with, beside, etc. and the second is orge- meaning wrath or anger. It may help us to see this rare word with the idea of "with wrath" in the back of our minds. So if we do not bring our children to anger, what is the opposite of bringing them to anger? Paul tells us in the second half of the verse.

The opposite of provoking to anger is to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Literally, to nourish them in discipline and instruction. The two words for discipline and instruction seem to be close in meaning. Both carry with them a very positive aspect- making negative punishment secondary.

From these two verses I believe we can draw a few elementary conclusions that will draw us closer to the goal of being biblical parents.

1. 
   We need to make our expectations known to our children in advance. That is, we need to teach what is right before our children demonstrate to us what is wrong. This means we are to be on the offensive and not in a constant state of picking up the slack.
   
2. Whenever possible our teaching needs to come to our children in a positive way. This does not mean that they should not be punished for rebellion, but only that the majority of our time should be spent in teaching the positive expectations we have for them.
   
3. On the heals of the first two, we need to make it clear what the punishment will be when and if rebellion occurs. We do not need to make decisions on punishment in the heat of the situation. If we do, our judgments will eventually be unfair and our children will not know what to expect from us.

Lastly, Paul states the reason why it is so important to for us to parent this way. The reason is so that our children do not lose heart. Children thrive when given the proper environment. If we set before them all of our expectations then they will know what to expect from, they will have the tools they need to succeed and when they rebel they will have themselves to blame and not us. This gives them control of their situation and the freedom to both please themselves and their parents.

Fatherhood is no small task and it seems to get harder with each passing decade. God knows what children need- He designed them. His promises will not fail if we seek after them with a heart that wants to please God.